Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Paranoia and Ego

The odd thing about being paranoid is the way it clashes with my trademark low self-esteem.  In order to be paranoid you have to believe that people consider you worth the time to hate. In my head I know this is not true. No one is paying attention to me. They have their own lives and concerns to focus on. Emotionally though... I feel it. I see it. I hear it. Every glance, every whisper,every laugh. I see them all, feel them all, and instinctively I decode their meanings. "Filthy", "Fat","Pervert". "How is he here around children? " " How does he live like that?" " Why doesn't he unburden us all of his presence and do what should be done to all sick, unwanted animals. It would be a mercy to nboth himself and the world."
    Intellectually I know people aren't thinking this. I know they really aren't even concerned with me. Emotionally my cheeks burn, my eyes dry out and my scalp creeps and itches and buzzes. Emotionally my throat closes up and my lungs reject air as stomach acid roils up to tease at my esophagus with pitchforks. All I want to do is hide and maybe just not be for a while. It's weird hating myself like this, and yet still having this huge ego. It is what I must conquer however to really live again.

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