I've had one hell of a coondog bitch of a day from the gitgo.( Shout out to All Samurai Cat fans who got that reference.)
Clumsy and shaky all day.
Can't type without this damn undeactivatable touch pad sending my cursor to the middle of whatever I'm typing.
Had to fight my way through a bloody crowded Grocery store two days before Thanksgiving (And I need to go back today! I hadn't realized we were that short on milk.)
Being told to talk to my melting down teenage son and having my efforts to that regard ruined by called out angry comments from the person who asked me to talk to him in the first place.
Stayed up all night watching over my eight year old who hates to be touched or interacted with unless it involves her quarter hourly quest for another sippy cup.
She did sleep for two hours, but she did so in my bed and her dislike of being touched kept me from sharing the space with her.
I am running on the fumes of a two hour nap + a three hour nap hours later and I've been informed that I should expect to be awake for at least another four to six hours.
On top of all of this nonsense I'm taking a pill that only makes me sicker, but I can't stop taking it because going cold turkey could kill me (The cause of the earlier mentioned shaking and clumsiness.)
I also reverse process caffeine, so I can't even drink a cup or six of coffee to stay awake because all it will do is make me even more tired but with the added fun of being more jittery and sending my ADD and Paranoia through the roof.
I feel tired and alone and recently the people I enjoy interacting with the most have been too busy or too sick or too overwhelmed with life to want to consistently deal with my lame ass problems.
Every day I feel myself dying little by little and I don't know how to make it stop and now I sound like some punk ass emo teenager.
I don't know what to do, but I know I have no choice but to slog through it, even more now that the arthritis in Laura's knees as gotten so bad.
I'm not suicidal, because even if I wanted to take the easy way out I couldn't because I have too much to do here. I have responsibilities I'll never escape owed to people who will be dependent on me until the day I die.
This is too big for me, too big for me by half and again. It is my lot however, and I have to do it.
So forgive me for this, forgive me for indulging myself in some whinging upon occasion.
Forgive me my need for toys and brightly colored people and things to lift my spirits for a while, because not much else does anymore.
Forgive these words spoken through a tired, vibrating haze while my five year old plays youtube videos that sound as if they lifted their soundtracks from some Christian Flagellant's version of hell. I'll be okay soon, I have to be. Until then, please keep an eye out for me, pray for me, cast a spell for me, or send me thoughts and energy. Do whatever you think will help, I'm going to need it.
I thank-you all for putting up with me and with this. I thank you all for reading this and hopefully not exploding into anger or taking offense by what was written. I meant no harm, I just need to get it off my chest and there was no other way to do it, not that didn't involve me being even more of an asshole anyway. Writing this has calmed me down a bit already, though I am no less tired. I need to take my anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and those damnable ADD pills again. Think of me if you can and have a pleasant and happy day and holiday thereafter.
Much Love,
-Cameron
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Racism and Hatred and Bile, Oh My!
Here are some facebook posts that will lose me friends that I've posted today. Enjoy!!
I hate being the voice of dissent, but sometimes things need to be said. We can't live our lives in an echo-chamber. We can't only listen to the voices that agree with us. We'll get nowhere and start to only see the differences between ourselves and those who do not share our point of view rather than the similarities.
Every day I am exposed to opinions that might differ from mine and every day I consider those opinions. I at least give them thought. It rarely leads me to agreement, but it does keep my brain from transforming people I like and love into ideological enemies. Here are some things to think on.
On the subject of the Charleston Shooter and no-one blaming him personally:
No, I blame him. He was a sick, racist piece of shit. The thing is you don't become a sick, racist piece of shit in a vacuum. Ultimately, he made the decision to pull that trigger and that's all on him. However, someone put that gun in his hand and a pervasive atmosphere of Racism magnified through the funhouse mirror of the internet were all a factor in him making that decision. He is singularly responsible for the reprehensible actions he took, but if we do not take the time to understand what lead to those actions we are not going to be able to stop the next domestic terrorist, or the one after that, or the one after that.
We need to understand how this kind of hate is bred if we are ever going to effectively stomp it out. Otherwise it just becomes a series of shootouts and barbarism. A million "Good Guys" with guns aren't going to put a stop to this kind of act. They will ultimately only increase the body count as innocents are caught in the crossfires of their battles. Psychology, understanding and a real effort to eliminate the underlying factors that influence these kind of decisions will.
On why there is no Straight or White Pride parade:
It also helps to look into context, especially in an international arena. There are communities and countries in the world where being gay is a literal, "Men will drag you away to jail to be executed, possibly via pretty brutal methods" death sentence. In this country the color of your skin can still literally determine whether or not you can practice your religion without being forcibly ventilated, even when that religion is the religion of the majority, shared by the terrorist who committed the act. Even other white nationalities such as the Welsh or the Irish have felt the boot heel of European/British colonialism on their backs.
There is really no place in the world where the pride of white, straight people is not/has not been felt in one way or another and most often in the most violent, negative way possible. You want to know why there is no straight pride parade on a specific day of the year? It's because all one has to do is look down the streets where the powerful tread to see one every day of the year. You want to know why celebrating White Pride is looked down upon or why there's no "White History Month"? Because "White Pride" is the status quo. It's all around us. Being white is now and throughout history has been nothing to be ashamed of. It is celebrated every day black victims are called "thugs" because of pictures they posted on facebook and white killers are called "Quiet" or "Soft spoken" and their acts of terror called, "Mistakes" by the media. Every month is white history month and every day is straight pride day.
Having pride in your culture isn't bad. There is nothing wrong with being glad you are who you are and how you got to be who you are, but also realize that there are people who haven't been able to do so until now, and even still get a boatload of shit for it. Not just here, but all over the world. We've (( Hey I'm not only straight and 88/100ths White, but also a cis-gendered, cis-sexual [Most of the time] Male! Trust me, I am the Oppressor.)) been celebrating our pride and our history for so long. It only seems right to let others do so too, right?
I hate being the voice of dissent, but sometimes things need to be said. We can't live our lives in an echo-chamber. We can't only listen to the voices that agree with us. We'll get nowhere and start to only see the differences between ourselves and those who do not share our point of view rather than the similarities.
Every day I am exposed to opinions that might differ from mine and every day I consider those opinions. I at least give them thought. It rarely leads me to agreement, but it does keep my brain from transforming people I like and love into ideological enemies. Here are some things to think on.
On the subject of the Charleston Shooter and no-one blaming him personally:
No, I blame him. He was a sick, racist piece of shit. The thing is you don't become a sick, racist piece of shit in a vacuum. Ultimately, he made the decision to pull that trigger and that's all on him. However, someone put that gun in his hand and a pervasive atmosphere of Racism magnified through the funhouse mirror of the internet were all a factor in him making that decision. He is singularly responsible for the reprehensible actions he took, but if we do not take the time to understand what lead to those actions we are not going to be able to stop the next domestic terrorist, or the one after that, or the one after that.
We need to understand how this kind of hate is bred if we are ever going to effectively stomp it out. Otherwise it just becomes a series of shootouts and barbarism. A million "Good Guys" with guns aren't going to put a stop to this kind of act. They will ultimately only increase the body count as innocents are caught in the crossfires of their battles. Psychology, understanding and a real effort to eliminate the underlying factors that influence these kind of decisions will.
On why there is no Straight or White Pride parade:
It also helps to look into context, especially in an international arena. There are communities and countries in the world where being gay is a literal, "Men will drag you away to jail to be executed, possibly via pretty brutal methods" death sentence. In this country the color of your skin can still literally determine whether or not you can practice your religion without being forcibly ventilated, even when that religion is the religion of the majority, shared by the terrorist who committed the act. Even other white nationalities such as the Welsh or the Irish have felt the boot heel of European/British colonialism on their backs.
There is really no place in the world where the pride of white, straight people is not/has not been felt in one way or another and most often in the most violent, negative way possible. You want to know why there is no straight pride parade on a specific day of the year? It's because all one has to do is look down the streets where the powerful tread to see one every day of the year. You want to know why celebrating White Pride is looked down upon or why there's no "White History Month"? Because "White Pride" is the status quo. It's all around us. Being white is now and throughout history has been nothing to be ashamed of. It is celebrated every day black victims are called "thugs" because of pictures they posted on facebook and white killers are called "Quiet" or "Soft spoken" and their acts of terror called, "Mistakes" by the media. Every month is white history month and every day is straight pride day.
Having pride in your culture isn't bad. There is nothing wrong with being glad you are who you are and how you got to be who you are, but also realize that there are people who haven't been able to do so until now, and even still get a boatload of shit for it. Not just here, but all over the world. We've (( Hey I'm not only straight and 88/100ths White, but also a cis-gendered, cis-sexual [Most of the time] Male! Trust me, I am the Oppressor.)) been celebrating our pride and our history for so long. It only seems right to let others do so too, right?
Sunday, May 31, 2015
On Respect for Fallen Soldiers
Someone on my face book feed posted the another version of this picture earlier today. Only the bottom caption read, "Then you don't have a heart." This upset me slightly, because, despite how moldy, small, and shriveled it may be, I do have a heart. I also have something else. It's called respect. It's a quality that the person who made the click/share bait version of this picture apparently lacks.
Look at the people in this picture, look at them. Look at the man who fell doing the things most of us cannot do to defend our country. Look at the woman who is staring at him, look at the heartbroken child reaching for someone he'll never hug, or play with, or talk to again. Look at the pain, look at the grief. It's real, it's palpable. It's tragic. IT'S NOT A FUCKING MEME!
Look at the people in this picture, look at them. Look at the man who fell doing the things most of us cannot do to defend our country. Look at the woman who is staring at him, look at the heartbroken child reaching for someone he'll never hug, or play with, or talk to again. Look at the pain, look at the grief. It's real, it's palpable. It's tragic. IT'S NOT A FUCKING MEME!
Do you think these people gave permission for the picture of one of their darkest times to be turned into a face book popularity booster and judgment tool? Do you think this funeral was held for the benefit of do nothings who want to feel smug by posting a picture they were not personally involved in and then making an assumption about those who won't wallow in the same sense of superiority? Do the people who post this kind of garbage really think the world revolves around them that much? I'm pretty much willing to say that "No" is probably the answer to the first question. As for the others; who can tell?
All I know is this. I won't share the picture as it was. I won't share it, not because I lack a heart and the human empathy that comes with it, but because no matter how small, moldy and disused it is I do have one. Respect our fallen warriors, my friends, grieve with and where you can, help out their families. Don't share in their humiliation, Don't share pictures that guilt other people into sharing them. They deserve better than that.
All I know is this. I won't share the picture as it was. I won't share it, not because I lack a heart and the human empathy that comes with it, but because no matter how small, moldy and disused it is I do have one. Respect our fallen warriors, my friends, grieve with and where you can, help out their families. Don't share in their humiliation, Don't share pictures that guilt other people into sharing them. They deserve better than that.
Thank-you,
-Cameron
-Cameron
Friday, May 29, 2015
Subtitles and Suffixes
On today's episode of first world problems: You know what gets my goat? When Dubs or subtitles on anime put a character's first name in the dialogue or on the screen when they're actually being called by their last name. I suppose this is a bit more okay in a dubbing situation where dialogue timing/ lip flap timing might be an issue, but it's really discordant in subtitles as you hear the character say the other character's last name and suffix.
Japan hosts a very stuffy culture and the way someone addresses someone else holds a world of importance. According to nearly everything I've read or heard about the language even people who have been close friends for YEARS never, EVER call each other by their first name. Being on a first name basis with someone implies intimacy on the scale of being someone's lover or immediate family member. They should at least be able to get it right in subtitles. Anyway, enough whining from me. Just thought I'd get that out there.
Japan hosts a very stuffy culture and the way someone addresses someone else holds a world of importance. According to nearly everything I've read or heard about the language even people who have been close friends for YEARS never, EVER call each other by their first name. Being on a first name basis with someone implies intimacy on the scale of being someone's lover or immediate family member. They should at least be able to get it right in subtitles. Anyway, enough whining from me. Just thought I'd get that out there.
Monday, May 18, 2015
How may I Lovecraft your sandwich today?
So, I was thinking of opening a Cthulhu Mythos themed sandwich shop.
"Dagon's Sandwich Shack; where all the food is crafted with love."
Here are some of the menu options I've come up with:
• The Sandwich over Innsmouth: A 12 inch sub with turkey on the first 4 inches, Chicken on the next 4 inches and Tuna on the last 4 inches.
• The Sandwich out of time: (Our Paleo option)Thinly sliced roast Bison served with shaved carrots and cabbage on Cashew Pancakes. For Hardcore Paleo Lovers we’ll even hide the ingredients in certain (Absolutely sanitary) places in our restaurant and let you hunt and gather your sandwich yourself!
• The Dunwich:(Our low carb/ Gluten Free Option): Any of our sandwiches stuffed into the hollowed out and lightly roasted mantle of a squid.
• The Color out of Sandwich: (Our Vegetarian/Vegan Option)Portabella Mushroom Caps marinated in a mixture of olive oil, red wine vinegar and fresh basil and thyme, grilled and served on lettuce, onion and tomato and Crusty Italian Bread dyed with beet juice. Vegan customers can request the same wrapped in red cabbage! Comes with unlimited well drinks!
So what do you think? Sound appetizing? Would you buy a Franchise? Have an idea for a mythos based sandwich of your own? Leave ‘em in the comments below! Thank-you!
-Cameron
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Friendship, Pop-Culture, and other difficult things
Sometimes I wish I had it in me to be a better friend. I know I'm not a very good one, I mean I'm there to listen and I can commiserate with the best of 'em, but once the clouds have passed my usefulness kind of comes to an end. I don't know what to say or how to say it. Beyond the basics of greetings and status checks I'm pretty much lost. I don't know how to move things along, how to create a conversation the way that other people seem to do. I don't have a lot to talk about.
I'm not, it turns out, a very interesting person. I have a few hobbies, but even within those I have a pretty narrow band of interest and beyond that I get befuddled. Throughout my existence I've either been too poor, too busy, or too religious to form the kind of bonds other people do with their hobbies. It astounds me sometimes. A lot of times it makes me envious. Mostly it makes me boring.
Ask me about a movie, 95 times out of 100 I haven't seen it. Even the (Apparently) best movies in the world have escaped me. I've never seen Pulp Fiction, or Reservoir Dogs, or The Boondock Saints. I've never seen End of Evangelion or Porco Rosso or More than like a half-hour of Princess Mononoke. I've never seen any of the Iron Man movies, or the Captain America: The Winter Soldier, or Thor: The Dark World. I've never seen Citizen Kane, or The Day the Earth Stood Still or Dial M for Murder. I've missed out on a lot. I'd be here for a solid year if I continued to list the movies I haven't seen. I think a pretty solid rule about this situation would be, if I haven't mentioned it before I more than likely haven't seen it.
The same goes with TV shows. I've seen and liked most of Sherlock, but I've only seen one episode or so of Elementary, I haven't seen most of Lost, or Twin Peaks, Or Friends, or Seinfeld or Two and a Half Men or Downton Abbey or Once Upon a Time or Arrested Development, or Firefly or Big Bang Theory. I tried REALLY hard to watch Doctor Who. I couldn't get into it. I KNOW about it through reading and Wiki-Walks and Memes, but I haven't seen it. I haven't had the time, or the interest, or the ability to watch these things and because of it there are times when I just have nothing to say to people who assume anyone who has hit a certain age has grown up with them.
Don't even get me started on video games. My friend Manna has heard "Oh, I've never played that." out of me so many times he probably mouths it whenever he asks me about a video game title. I've played video games, I enjoy video games. I just haven't played very many and am not very diverse in the titles I enjoy. If you enjoy video games and assume I do as well, our conversations are going to more than likely be pretty darn frustrating.
The same goes with Music, or Art or Books. I like them all, but in very narrow strokes and I tend to enjoy things that or either too popular for "Real Fans" of the mediums to enjoy or not popular enough for most people to be able to relate too. ( Am I a hipster? Nah, couldn't be.)
I feel (Surprise, surprise) guilty and paranoid about these things. I feel as if I've failed others when I don't know about the stuff they enjoy and I've got so much to catch up on that the sheer volume of it actually, literally frightens me. I'm not being figurative here, I feel literal fear when I think of all the media I absolutely MUST catch up on to mirror the interests of my friends. I will never catch up. I will never broaden my interests that much. I will never, ever be good enough.
I've lost friends over this,not talked with people I genuinely like because I've been afraid that I'll be too boring or not hip enough to their particular jive. I've been weak, stupid, and a bad friend. I'm afraid that this will be one of the things that eventually chases everyone out of my life. Not the only thing by far, but one aspect of it. I don't know if I can change. I'm making the effort, I really am, but in the end I wonder if I'll ever know enough.
I wonder if I'll ever be good enough...
-Cameron
I'm not, it turns out, a very interesting person. I have a few hobbies, but even within those I have a pretty narrow band of interest and beyond that I get befuddled. Throughout my existence I've either been too poor, too busy, or too religious to form the kind of bonds other people do with their hobbies. It astounds me sometimes. A lot of times it makes me envious. Mostly it makes me boring.
Ask me about a movie, 95 times out of 100 I haven't seen it. Even the (Apparently) best movies in the world have escaped me. I've never seen Pulp Fiction, or Reservoir Dogs, or The Boondock Saints. I've never seen End of Evangelion or Porco Rosso or More than like a half-hour of Princess Mononoke. I've never seen any of the Iron Man movies, or the Captain America: The Winter Soldier, or Thor: The Dark World. I've never seen Citizen Kane, or The Day the Earth Stood Still or Dial M for Murder. I've missed out on a lot. I'd be here for a solid year if I continued to list the movies I haven't seen. I think a pretty solid rule about this situation would be, if I haven't mentioned it before I more than likely haven't seen it.
The same goes with TV shows. I've seen and liked most of Sherlock, but I've only seen one episode or so of Elementary, I haven't seen most of Lost, or Twin Peaks, Or Friends, or Seinfeld or Two and a Half Men or Downton Abbey or Once Upon a Time or Arrested Development, or Firefly or Big Bang Theory. I tried REALLY hard to watch Doctor Who. I couldn't get into it. I KNOW about it through reading and Wiki-Walks and Memes, but I haven't seen it. I haven't had the time, or the interest, or the ability to watch these things and because of it there are times when I just have nothing to say to people who assume anyone who has hit a certain age has grown up with them.
Don't even get me started on video games. My friend Manna has heard "Oh, I've never played that." out of me so many times he probably mouths it whenever he asks me about a video game title. I've played video games, I enjoy video games. I just haven't played very many and am not very diverse in the titles I enjoy. If you enjoy video games and assume I do as well, our conversations are going to more than likely be pretty darn frustrating.
The same goes with Music, or Art or Books. I like them all, but in very narrow strokes and I tend to enjoy things that or either too popular for "Real Fans" of the mediums to enjoy or not popular enough for most people to be able to relate too. ( Am I a hipster? Nah, couldn't be.)
I feel (Surprise, surprise) guilty and paranoid about these things. I feel as if I've failed others when I don't know about the stuff they enjoy and I've got so much to catch up on that the sheer volume of it actually, literally frightens me. I'm not being figurative here, I feel literal fear when I think of all the media I absolutely MUST catch up on to mirror the interests of my friends. I will never catch up. I will never broaden my interests that much. I will never, ever be good enough.
I've lost friends over this,not talked with people I genuinely like because I've been afraid that I'll be too boring or not hip enough to their particular jive. I've been weak, stupid, and a bad friend. I'm afraid that this will be one of the things that eventually chases everyone out of my life. Not the only thing by far, but one aspect of it. I don't know if I can change. I'm making the effort, I really am, but in the end I wonder if I'll ever know enough.
I wonder if I'll ever be good enough...
-Cameron
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Thoughts on Moderation
Look people, it's like this.
You can be incensed that a police officer killed
an innocent person based on the color of their skin
and still be supportive of police in general.
You can be angry that people who took their religion
far too seriously decided to take the lives of car-
toonists and writers and still acknowledge that
a vast majority of the adherents of said religion
don't think or feel that way.
You can hate war and hate those at the root of
war and still honor and support the soldiers
that are willing to spill their blood so that
we do not have to.
It's okay to know that racism exists and that
the current system deals out priveleges to
white people and still acknowledge things
such as classism and know that despite
the priveleges white people get not all of
them are living idyllic lives free from
suffering or oppression.
You can be both cis and heterosexual and
still not have to feel hated,
afraid or threatened that
transgender and homosexual people want
need, and deserve equal rights.
Alternately you can be of a non binary
gender and a non heterosexual orientation
and not have to hate or think bad of every
person who is both cis or hetero or any
combination thereof.
You can support the right for responsible
citizens to own and bear firearms and
still want measures take to make sure
those who are unstable or irresponsible
don't get ahold of them.
You can be a straight man and not
have to objectify or hate women.
You can be a woman...well, sadly
no, you can't really be a woman and
not be afraid of men. Sorry guys, but
our track record and the society we've
built around it kind of speaks for
itself.
There are terrible things around us.
Tragedies abound and hatred is a real
serious thing in the world. What breeds
this hatred and births these tragedies
however is the idea that absolutes exist
in the world. That things have to be one
thing or another. That a person has to be
either rabidly for something or
violently against it.
Not everything has to be serious. Some
things are meant to be fun and enjoyable
and don't have secret messages or meanings.
Right, Left, Straight, Gay, Cis, Trans
Black, White, Rich and Poor. All of
these words mean something and are im
portant, but maybe we, as a group of
thinking and feeling beings have allowed
them to mean too much. They divide us.
Isn't it time we stopped considering
how different we are from one another
and started concentrating on how alike
we all are? Isn't it time, not to elim
inate titles, but to allow them to be
descriptors rather than definitions?
We are the ones building these walls
but we are not reaping any benefits
from them. The time and energy being
used could be put toward actually
making the world a better place.
We don't have to carry a chip on
our shoulders. None of us has any
thing to prove. We can relax, really
it's okay.
We are all human beings. We are all
the same kind, the same family. We
could be going so far if we'd only
remember that.
Then again, I could be doing the
same thing. You don't have to
agree with me, I suppose. As
long as we can still see that
having different opinions does
not have to make us enemies. We should
be fine.
-C Emrys Carrington.
You can be incensed that a police officer killed
an innocent person based on the color of their skin
and still be supportive of police in general.
You can be angry that people who took their religion
far too seriously decided to take the lives of car-
toonists and writers and still acknowledge that
a vast majority of the adherents of said religion
don't think or feel that way.
You can hate war and hate those at the root of
war and still honor and support the soldiers
that are willing to spill their blood so that
we do not have to.
It's okay to know that racism exists and that
the current system deals out priveleges to
white people and still acknowledge things
such as classism and know that despite
the priveleges white people get not all of
them are living idyllic lives free from
suffering or oppression.
You can be both cis and heterosexual and
still not have to feel hated,
afraid or threatened that
transgender and homosexual people want
need, and deserve equal rights.
Alternately you can be of a non binary
gender and a non heterosexual orientation
and not have to hate or think bad of every
person who is both cis or hetero or any
combination thereof.
You can support the right for responsible
citizens to own and bear firearms and
still want measures take to make sure
those who are unstable or irresponsible
don't get ahold of them.
You can be a straight man and not
have to objectify or hate women.
You can be a woman...well, sadly
no, you can't really be a woman and
not be afraid of men. Sorry guys, but
our track record and the society we've
built around it kind of speaks for
itself.
There are terrible things around us.
Tragedies abound and hatred is a real
serious thing in the world. What breeds
this hatred and births these tragedies
however is the idea that absolutes exist
in the world. That things have to be one
thing or another. That a person has to be
either rabidly for something or
violently against it.
Not everything has to be serious. Some
things are meant to be fun and enjoyable
and don't have secret messages or meanings.
Right, Left, Straight, Gay, Cis, Trans
Black, White, Rich and Poor. All of
these words mean something and are im
portant, but maybe we, as a group of
thinking and feeling beings have allowed
them to mean too much. They divide us.
Isn't it time we stopped considering
how different we are from one another
and started concentrating on how alike
we all are? Isn't it time, not to elim
inate titles, but to allow them to be
descriptors rather than definitions?
We are the ones building these walls
but we are not reaping any benefits
from them. The time and energy being
used could be put toward actually
making the world a better place.
We don't have to carry a chip on
our shoulders. None of us has any
thing to prove. We can relax, really
it's okay.
We are all human beings. We are all
the same kind, the same family. We
could be going so far if we'd only
remember that.
Then again, I could be doing the
same thing. You don't have to
agree with me, I suppose. As
long as we can still see that
having different opinions does
not have to make us enemies. We should
be fine.
-C Emrys Carrington.
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