I am currently in the midst of one of my lows. Those areas in my life where thinks become too much to deal with and I either have to break or BREAK. Before we begin here there are a few things that the reader must understand. I am always depressed, the medications help me to take the edge off and be able to function, but the doldrums are constant and persistent. This is more than just being sad or emo, this is a constant, heavy weight on my mind, heart, and soul and even at my happiest, it is always there. Most times it's controlled, most times I can fight it back and put on the face of a normal person. Sometimes I can't. There are no particular triggers, no words or phrases that drop me into these holes, it isn't like reminders of the accident which cause my flashbacks to it. Sometimes it's different words, or phrases, or smells or sights or sounds, sometimes they repeat, sometimes they don't. Sometimes it's nothing at all. It does happen and it is real. I am not seeking attention, I am not faking, or lying or exaggerating. That isn't the point of this. Even this post isn't the cry for attention it seems to be, rather it stands as a ritual of naming, and attempt to bring things under my control by naming them and making them known instead of unknown with power over me.
It usually happens like this. I notice the fact that I'm more grouchy or dragging tail. Invariably if I'm snapping at people or stupidly lazy (which is different from my most efficient intelligent laziness or my usual apathetic laziness.) that it's going to be a dark day. If I were a werewolf, this would be the bleeding pentagram on my hand. Sometimes I can fight this off, sometimes I can shake the doldrums or snap myself out of the grouchiness. When I catch it, I try my hardest, but sometimes, like today, I don't catch it in time. Then comes the eye for detail. The tendency of my brain to find each and every failing I have, am currently, or will be involved in and magnify it in obsessively loving detail. This is molehill mountainism in it's largest form. Every mistake is magnified, every move, every breath sure to offend someone. I am trapped in between paranoia and self-loathing to the point where everything just seems to be hopeless. It seems that fighting anymore would just be a waste of time and energy. I have to fight it though. Laura helps me through a lot, but sometimes I feel like I'm abusing her, taking advantage of her kindness and burning her out. MY depression is killing her and making her life miserable. I figure that if I weren't such a fuck-up that she could have a much happier life. The kids need watching, the house needs cleaning, my schoolwork needs doing. All of these demand my time and attention. Sometimes that's enough to drown out the noise, sometimes it makes it even worse. Next comes the hatred. Hatred of others, sure, anger, envy, even my friends are sometimes a part of it. I don't mean it, and I don't really HATE them, I just feel so angry and annoyed that I want to scream and the worst part is, I know there's no reason to be. I know that what I'm feeling is terrible and unjustified and mean and stupid. I cannot help feeling it though. This brings on the true loathing. The loathing of myself. The reminder that no matter how much I try to hide it or shove it down, THIS is who I really am, petty, vindictive, hateful, mean. I can deny it all I want, deep down I am ugly and terrible. At least this is how I feel. Sometimes I can talk myself out of it, sometimes I can reason with myself and point out things that prove that I am not that way. (Please don't think of it as vanity, it has saved my life before.) Sometimes the words ring hollow.
If I can't stop myself by this point this is when the sadness hits. The real, true, bone-numbing, life sucking sadness. The kind of sadness that feels like someone is pushing a shovel through your sternum or gleefully staring down at you through a pillow. The kind of complete and total worthlessness that causes real physical pain, the kind of pain that death is preferable to. Sometimes it really does seem that way. Fate was with me both times in my life when I attempted to poison myself. When I was alone and in the quiet and able to even consider the ultimate selfish act of suicide. I told no-one (Until much later) and called no attention to it. I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want anyone to care. I just wanted the pain, the horrible, horrible emotional pain to go away. Thankfully I suck at poisoning so I woke with little more than a screaming head-ache and the kind of vomiting that makes you want to go back in time and punch your mother in the stomach, the point is I have tried before, I do know what it is like, and by the grace of the God and the Goddess I survived. I've wanted to again since then, but now I have too many people around me, too many people who would for reasons I can't fathom, be saddened by my absence from the world. I don't think I ever will kill myself, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it, and unless I really trust you or you are a medical professional, you will never know when I do. I do not do this to seek attention or win people over. I hate that I am this weak and think of harming or destroying myself. Others, unless they can help me, do not need to be involved. Don't take this as an insult, or an indication that I think less of you. That isn't the case, I just believe that if it is to be done it should be done quickly and quietly and without the involvement of others. I won't, like I said, too many people would be hurt and would live worse lives dealing with it if I did than makes the effort worth the while. I refuse to make my kids suffer like that, but that doesn't mean that sometimes I'd really like to. The sadness is terrible and it builds and builds and builds, it gnaws, it grinds and it hangs like a stone around my neck. It eventually gets to a point where I can't do anything but break. Sometimes in a small way, sometimes I just shake and whisper to myself until I get back under control. Sometimes in a large way where I cry and shake and hurt and want to hurt more, where I can barely keep my legs or stand to be looked at. Times like tonight when I had to run like a coward and weep like a child into my blanket until I can get myself back under control and start the fight again. Sometimes I win, Sometimes I lose, but it always hurts. I can live with the hurt though, I can control it and sometimes I can do things like this to put it into perspective and make it seem more the size it actually is instead of the size it seems to be. Sometimes, I can feel better, even if it is easier not to.
Before I go, please allow me to say that the symptoms I experience aren't always the same and don't always flow the way I listed them in the article. I only listed them in that way to emphasize the way the experience grows and swells and recedes. I don't know if anyone will read this, a part of me, even if I am about to post this basically on the most colorful and brightest light pole in the history of the devices hopes that no one will. If you do however, I'd like you to take one thing away with you. There is always SOMEONE, somewhere who has felt something similar. You are not alone, you are not pathetic, and you are not really weak. It may feel like it, but the fact that you're still here, reading this alone is a testament to your strength and strength of character. If you've gone through similar things, then now you know I have too. If your issues take different paths, I can guarantee that someone, somewhere has a similar story to tell. In the most positive way possible ( Being paranoid I can think of several very negative ways to be with others) each of us somewhere has someone who knows what it is like, in this instance, to be us. This fact helps me sometimes, it is useful to know.
So this is it. In the best way I can describe it, the way I feel when I'm at my worst. Typing it out and naming it has helped and I hope that reading this, if it ever does get read, will help others. Good night dear readers. I think I'm going to take a nap to get rid of this exhaustion and try again tomorrow. Wish me luck.
-Cameron
